Healing Through Brazilian Jiujitsu

I never intended to heal my childhood wounds when I walked into that cold brick dojo on a dark February evening. All I knew was that I wanted to have the ability to protect my babies from suffering the same kind of abuse I faced as a child. I needed to be able to physically protect them from any harm. So after doing the research, finding the only Jiujitsu gym within a 20 mile radius and picked up my 13 year old little brother and took him with me. We sat quietly the entire car ride, just lost in our nervous thoughts. After we arrived we were handed uniforms and directed to the changing rooms. I was trembling in that tiny, exposed dressing room, as I quickly dressed into my loaner gi. Not unlike me, this kimono had one hell of a life. It had the words “LOANER” written across the back in permanent marker and the scent of all the small men who came before me permeated the dingy coarse fabric. Nevertheless, I suited up and made the awkward walk of shame to the mat. With my pants on inside out I had to embarrassedly ask the blue belt male student that was given the unfortunate task of “helping the new people” how to tie the ridiculously long white belt I was loaned to try the class with. I felt like such a waste of space as he sighed and rolled his eyes reaching around my waist wrapping the belt around me. I felt like a child would as the parent dresses them. I was just hoping he didn’t notice how much I was trembling with nerves. He proceeded with the lesson by asking us if we knew how to do an arm bar. Umm no, we replied, exchanging nervous looks to each other. Which was met with yet another sigh, followed by him instructing me to lay down on my back. Next he had my little brother sit on top of me chest and guided him through the submission using me as the dummy. I seemed to loose consciousness at that moment because everything after that was just a blur. Needless to say I did not return to Jiujitsu training the next day, week or even month. Instead I decided to try a Muay Thai class. 

Luckily after 2 years of training Muay Thai I had the opportunity to give Jiujitsu another chance. This time was made better by the fact that there was a women training. Erica was a new white belt herself and seemed a little unsure teaching me but nevertheless she taught me how to apply an armbar from mount. Sadly Erica quit Jiujitsu that same week, so I only got to train with her that one day, but that one day made all the difference. This time I returned for training the next day, and the next and continued to train for the following 11 years and counting. 

Moral of the story: having someone on the mat that you can connect with it vital when putting yourself in a vulnerable situation. 

You are probably wondering why Jiujitsu? Why not just continue training Muay Thai? Here’s the thing I learned from my experience sparring men in training: it’s very hard to knock out men that are double your size! It’s not like the movies, their reach is so much longer than yours and their weight advantage makes their punches much more powerful. Not that it’s impossible, it certainly is possible for women to do well against men in striking, i just felt there had to be a better way. I knew that if I was sparring a guy much larger than me and he hit me full power I would be out cold. This is what pushed me back to the art known as human chess. I wanted to know that I could actually defend myself, from a grown man being a women weighing a puny 115 pounds at the time. 

Jiujitsu is unique, it eliminates the power of strikes by using distance control. In addition Brazilian Jiujitsu uses physics to gain control of your opponent and apply joint manipulation or chokes. This was the art for me, only problem was: Training Brazilian Jiujitsu is no easy task for a survivor of abuse. I struggled with triggers every time I came to class, when my partner would pin my wrists to the mat while sitting on top of me I would have flashbacks to the abuse I suffered as a child. Regular bathroom crying sessions were needed in the beginning as I worked to overcome my triggers. I often felt I would not be able to continue training if my partners continued to hold me down sending my brain and body into complete panic mode. Despite those temptations to quit I kept pushing forward working hard so that my partners couldn’t pin me down. Luckily for me I was able to dig deep, face my demons and overcome them despite the difficulty. The unintentional healing that I experienced through my Jiujitsu journey was pivotal for me to shed the trauma responses I believed were my personality, in addition to the shame I was carrying around with me. The confidence Jiujitsu gives you is pure, there’s nothing superficial about it. It has nothing to do with your appearance, other people opinion or how much money you have. Their is no ego involved with this confidence, you have to be humble to continue training day after day. That kind of confidence doesn’t allow any room for shame, or self loathing which can lead to destructive behaviors. I have benefited tremendously from my Jiujitsu journey and I want others to have that opportunity as well without having to be in a triggering environment.